18 September 2007

Pondering

What do you do when life becomes mundane? When all excitement and intrigue is lost? When getting up in the morning is the last thing you want to do? Is it because all is so well known? Or because there are no goals? A lack of health? Or wealth?

What do you do when you have no reason to go on? And all you want to do is to curl up and disappear? Why do the tears needlessly fall, when all appears to be fine? And you know there are so many who have real problems...and yet thats not enough?

I know my life is blessed, and I'm surrounded by greatness...So why do I feel inferior? So easily forgotten? Is it becuse I am common by comparison? Or maybe uncommonly inessential? Is it all just a lack of effort? A lack of putting on the game face that would win?

Why do I feel so incomplete, when I am all alone? Without strong arms to hold me steady, can I make it through the night? Phisically alone in a world of confusion, where the immaterial seems so distant, I seek comfort in the strengths of others.

Although I'm aware that they can not save me, I see no other way to hide from myself. I know what I must do and what to avoid, and yet I fall in the weakness that I am. Fall to temptations I know how to avoid. Failing to push myself to success.

With a lifetime that has been dedicated to staying in the middle, why would I be so surprised by my blending in? I guess I always assumed people would notice the magic I have within...But that's hard to do when it isnt there...Why isnt it there?

3 comments:

Liz said...

Oh, Heather. I know exactly how you feel. I think we all go through periods where we feel this way--average, mundane, ordinary, etc.

It's interesting that you, Liz, and myself have all recently addressed this issue. What it's taught me is that it's normal!

No one has the life we see in t.v. or movies. No one (except the few celebrities in the world) walk around with adoring fans telling them how great and special they are.

I've been pondering this recently and I think that while feeling ordinary is nothing new for humankind, the obsession with not being oridinary is a recent (meaning the last century) invention.

People back in the olden days had no knowledge of what everyone on the planet was accomplishing. We do! We are bombarded every day with amazing things people have done or are doing.

And that can make our lives seem so blah.

But they're not. We are here on earth for one reason: to become like our Father in Heaven. And any accomplishment people make that doesn't lead them in that direction is useless. It may be interesting and entertaining, but useless.

Think of all the poor actors/actresses who will one day realize all the power and influence for good they had, but that they wasted on another crappy movie or mansion or car. I don't want to be in their shoes!

And then think of your own life. You serve the best you can. You are a great friend. You strive to live the gospel principles. You are a wonderful daughter and sibling. All things that you can be proud of, and all things that no other Heather can do in the exact same way!

You are unique! You have had eons of preparation for this life. And only you can fulfill your mission.

Okay, I'm done. (Sorry for the long comment.)

Heather said...

:-) Thanks! I know I'm amazing and have been given a LOT...but lately I havent been living up to my full potential...I think it's because I've just been lazy, I've got to kick myself back into full gear and study harder, go to institute, magnify my calling, etc.
But it was interesting to read your "back in the old days" comment...I think back then they were focused more on surviving, so that was enough to be great...but now that life comes so easily it's no longer considered "great" ...but it should be.

Rachel said...

Heather: I think you're pretty fantastic. I know I say it all the time but I really truly for sure am glad that we're friends.

Liz: I think you really hit on something when you said that our obsession with being great is a recent development. It's just part of our culture that we honor those who do the Big Thing because people are looking for the story. That's why they never have good news on the news, only the bad stuff.