25 August 2008

Jelly

I'm always amazed by myself. And that's not to say that I'm amazing, or impressive. Just that I surprise myself. I mean, I should be an expert on myself by now. But I am often awakened to a new understanding. And maybe it's just because I took the summer off school, but my brain has seriously regressed. I forget words all the time; I forget things that I was supposed to do; I ask the same question repeatedly, knowing that I've already asked, or at least wanted to ask, but unable to remember any response; I have little to no attention span; even less patience...I'm sure the list goes on, but I can't think of anything else...
Having the summer off has allowed me to slow down a little. I still had to work, and didn't really have any "free time" but I was able to take a little more time to do things, which I appreciate. (I am a pretty slow person.) It also allowed me to strengthen/renew some friendships which I'd allowed to decay.
And for the first time in my life I felt confidant in what I was doing. This may come as a shock to some of you (because I do my best to hide it...but then again, maybe I'm not as good at hiding it, and you are already aware), but I have a ton of insecurities and phobias. I've had them my whole life, so like a good friend, I'm used to having them around. They often help to protect me from the world. But in the recent years, I decided that I'd be a more interesting person if I got over all the things that stop me from doing things. All kids should have a memory of climbing a tree, right? I don't think I ever did, because I was afraid of falling out and hurting myself. And what good did it do me? It may have saved me from the temporary pain a broken arm, but it also "saved" me from the experience, and a story to share. It cut me off from humanity, because I turned myself into an emotionless machine.
For whatever reason (and I have some theories), this summer has been a time free from my own insecurities. I did what I wanted without thinking too hard about what other people would think of me, or what could go wrong, or how I should protect myself from pain or failure. And it was great! I didn't necessarily overcome any huge fears, but I did face them. And I gotta say, I kinda enjoyed doing it.
I'll be honest here: I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this, or what my point is. I just love reading up on your lives, and I felt like I should post something a little more personal than my usual blunderings of randomness I encountered throughout the Internet. And I'm not really good at telling stories about myself because I've never really had any. And there's really nothing new with me to share. ...But I promise to tell you about something I did last week--something I never thought I'd do. I actually already wrote my post about it, but I'm waiting for the pictures to be sent to me so I can include one...You're probably gonna want to see a picture of this.

4 comments:

Mr. Hall said...

Sweet! And Congratulations! I shall be looking forward to the next post, pictures and all.

Rachel said...

I think you're fantastic. And I'm proud of you for facing your fears. Doesn't sort of climbing that tree to stick our head through the hole in Solvang count?

I hope you have Thursday nights free from school so we can get back on schedule with our Office Parties.

Liz W. said...

Yay Heather!!

We ALL have fears that hold us back in some way. I think that part of earth-life is overcoming these, and feeling the freedom.

Every year, I try to overcome one of my fears.

This year was "Let people see your art even if they think it stinks and will no longer want to be your friend."

I'm still working on this one. (Only 4 months to go!)

We are Ben and Rebecca said...

Aw Heather - I LOVE YOU. I love when you make your personal posts. You're my favorite person to spit water out with, and throw keys. WHich I promise we'll do a lot of in November!