11 December 2007

Not gonna think about it.

I know I owe you all an update on my trip, and it was my intent to post at least something each time I was able to access the net...but obviously that didn't happen. There are a few reasons for that:
a) I didn't always have a lot of time online,
b) I wanted to post when I was able to include the pictures, but I kept forgetting the camera cable,
c) The posts would have to be fairly long to include all the background info,
d) The trip was an emotional roller coaster, and I've never been good at expressing emotions or telling stories.

...And now that I'm home I'm even less inclined to write about it because I don't want to believe it's over. I don't want to believe it's all in the past....and most of all I don't want to believe that I might not ever make it back...
I know I can go back, as long as I'm willing to work hard to do it. And I am also planning on visiting the rest of that beautiful country. But I also know how lucky I was to be able to visit even once. My father finally planned his trip (to return to his mission area) a few years ago, and even then it didn't work out for him to go. How blessed I am to be able to return after less than 3 years!
...And then I start thinking about how I'd have to work for another 3+ years to make it back...and I realize how much will have changed...and how much harder it will be to save money when I have to pay rent, and food, and a car loan, and grad school...and I still haven't given up on the dream of marriage and a family--if that happens soon, how would I be able to leave?

It's hard to think about, because I've been home for a day now, and I already feel a void for the completely different lifestyle that place offers. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, and I love all that I have...but...that's a part of me too. A huge part of me. A part I don't want to lose. But at the same time, I dont want to think about it because the throbbing anguish is almost unbearable. The tears are almost inevitable.

And so you will remain another day without stories from my trip. Maybe when I get my pictures back (a friend has my memory cards so we can put them all online) and can see everything I miss I will not feel such a loss. Maybe then I will write some stories for you all to read. Maybe.


Liz said...

I can understand a little bit what you mean. I didn't have the same emotional connection to Alaska that you have to Brazil, but to witness a different, appealing way of life, and then to leave it, was very hard.

If I wasn't such a chicken, I would move there (Alaska).


Rachel said...

I'm sorry that you're teary over it. It must have been an amazing trip. But I'm very happy you're back. When can we have fun?

Heather said...

Haha, sorry guys...I was pretty exausted--Let's blame this one on Jet-lag! I mean, it's true, but ya. So, I'm totally excited to see you ladies again--we're still on for GNO this Thursday, right?
...er...that's tomorrow...WOW!!!